TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely away from location. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let's have A further spot where by American Males can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give Absolutely everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is that he ought to stop employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You realize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long Trump Tower Damascus term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which company might ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting attention from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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